An Open Letter to America's Gang Bangers

To Whom It May Concern:

Let me at first thank you for taking time off from waxing chumps like candles and waving your hands in the air like you just don't care, in order to read this. I have a few concerns and suggestions that I hope you will be able to help me out with... First, I am disappointed by the lack of originality I have noticed in your nicknames. Really? You're name is Joker too? Awesome. What do you guys do when two or more of you are all vying for the same name? Does the head gang guy fill a mason jar full of jelly beans and whoever guesses closest gets to have the name? That's how I imagine it going down. Most deaf.

How do you get your nicknames anyway? (I know you would prefer the term moniker over nickname but this is my letter.) So, do you get to pick your own nicknames, or are you assigned one when you join your posse? If one is assigned to you, is there a list that the guy uses? Does he check that nickname off of the list after he assigns it to you? It would make sense if you did it that way. And what if you don't like your nickname? Can you change it midway through your thug-life? I bet the paperwork is a nightmare, am I right fellas?

I bet it sucks if you move to a new town and find out that the gangster in the apartment above you is also named Pookie. By the way, if you do implement the list idea, just scratch Pookie off the list right now. That is a terrible nickname. On the flip side, try not to ever get into a fight with a guy named Pookie because I bet he can really fight, just like Johnny Cash in that “Boy Named Sue” song.

Here's another idea. Instead of beating up potential applicants, I think it would be fat of you to try using an interview process. This way, you could learn a little about your new homeboy's interests and hobbies. I bet it would help you pick better, more fitting nicknames too.

I've always assumed that you guys used nicknames to conceal your true identities, just like Maverick and Goose (pioneers of the homosexual gang lobby.) So, if you go to all of the trouble of coming up with a nickname and telling all of your friends and your parents and everyone not to call you Trent anymore because now your name is Shadow, why then, do you get your last name tattooed across your back like that? Don't you realize that totally defeats the purpose?

In conclusion, I think I could be a big help to you. I have tons of cool original gang nicknames ready to go right now, like “B-Nas” (short for Bananas. It could be applied to someone who goes crazy all of the time or to someone who just loves bananas.) Another one I would use is “2 Shooz” for the gang banger that always wears two shoes.

Keeping It Real,

Jake