Reena McNee's Fabulous Offer

The other day I was screwing boards into the fence again, when I got a call from Reena McNee from my bank. Fortunately, I wasn't exactly in the zone yet on this board screwing project so I decided to chat old Reena up a bit. She was not the friendly type of telemarketer. She was the nasally 'keep to the script' kind. She wanted to let me know that everything was okay with my accounts. I told her that I appreciated the heads up. I do have the Wells Fargo app on my phone so I didn't exactly need the extra reassurance but, it's nice to know that she, and others like her, are watching over my $240.00 with such vigilance. Then, Reena told me that, beyond wanting to let me know everything was fine with my account, she also sells accidental death and dismemberment insurance to people like me. Personally, I think it's pretty lame that my bank is also in the insurance business. It also bugs that they are calling my cell phone, but I didn't tell Reena that part. The point is, I got to hear Reena's fabulous offer and now I am going to share it with both of you.

Reena told me that as a valued bank customer I was eligible to buy accidental death and dismemberment insurance. I told her that I was interested, but I didn't think I was going to die by accident. This took a couple of minutes to sink in with Reena. I had to stop her and say again, “Reena, I don't think I am going to die by accident so I'm not sure this insurance is a good deal. What if the death just looks like an accident, will it still pay out then?” Now, Reena was off script and getting uncomfortable. She told me that the policy was only good if I died by accident. I asked her how good the bank's investigators were. What percentage of these deaths do they actually figure out are not accidental? Reena didn't know but she thought the investigators were very good. I asked her how well she knows the investigators and if she hangs out with them on break. She doesn't hang out with them.

I asked Reena about the dismemberment insurance. How many parts would I have to have cut off in order to get the money? Reena didn't know. I assume that the bank monitors Reena's calls for quality assurance or she would've surely lost her temper by then. I told her that I had a friend who lost three fingers in a car accident and I wanted to do something nice for him. Could I buy him the policy for Christmas and have him cash it out right away? Reena said that he would have to lose more fingers in order to be eligible. I didn't think he could spare any more fingers so we ruled out that option.

I still had some things that I wanted to hash out with Reena about the accidental death option but I could tell that she wanted to go. I asked her, if I was murdered but was not the intended target of the murderer, in other words, if I was murdered by accident, would the policy still pay out? She offered to let me speak with customer service but I didn't want to. She said she didn't know if the policy would pay out then. I told her about how I was worried that I would make friends with someone that has a big chimpanzee living in their house and how eventually the monkey could go bananas and tear my face or hands off. I asked her if the policy would pay out if the monkey intentionally or accidentally tore my face off. I told her that, in either circumstance, I would definitely want the money. She didn't know if the policy would pay off then but she thought it would.

In the end, I told Reena that I would have to think about it and asked for her telephone number. She gave me the 1-800- Wells Fargo number. I told her that I only wanted to deal with her on this issue and asked how I could reach her directly. I guess the phone cut out at that point because that was the last I heard of Reena McNee.