Project Falcon: A Letter From My Handler

Dear JDBOC,

I am writing to clarify and document our agency's position regarding your “project.” As I said to you yesterday before you “went undercover,” this is not a sanctioned activity. Although, we cannot legally stop you from your endeavor, we must advise you that any injuries you suffer or damage that you cause the school, or the area surrounding the school will not be covered by our insurance.

This puts me in a difficult position. I would make you come back to work but we all kind of love the peace and quiet around here. Plus, I feel partly to blame for sending in those transcripts for you. Sorry, about the name thing, we thought that you wanted your first name to be Falcon and then, you know how it goes, ya' gotta run with a good idea.

In summary, stay and work on your project as long as you want. Please, do not involve us in any way. We're not even sure what you're hoping to accomplish besides being a 37-year-old man posing as a 13-year-old.  You are not covered by our insurance. Also, please stop calling me your handler. I am a Corporal and your supervisor but, nothing more. While we're on the topic, my name is Corporal Timrell, not carpal tunnel. Don't call me that. Also, we don't have a precinct, you don't even know what a precinct is. I have asked you about this before and you clearly have no idea what it is!

You have too much time on your hands.

Corporal Matt Timrell

P.S. STATREP is not a real word.