On Tortoises and Tattoos

We recently welcomed a tortoise into our home named Biggie Smalls, (He loves it when you call him 'Big Papa.') He is a Sulcata Tortoise from Africa, except he is really from Florida. We ordered him on the internet and the nice people of Florida sent us this guy via UPS overnight. I went to the UPS depot in that weird industrial park where none of the businesses have signs saying what they do. I was worried that he would be messed up after the shipping process but, aside from the UPS guy giving him a good shake and asking “Whatcha got here, huh?” Biggie seemed to be in good condition.

Getting a tortoise is a lot like getting a tattoo. They live for 80-100 years on average so you get the same “It's cool and it will last the rest of your life” vibe... Like a tattoo, tortoises just keep growing and growing. (Put some flames around that old tattoo, that will make it look better...) Biggie could be up to three feet long and weigh 200 lbs when he is an adult. They say that you can stop cutting your grass because the tortoise will graze on it all day long.

The comparisons don't stop there, though. I've found that my mom adopts the exact same tone of voice when she responds to “I got a new tattoo!” and “I got a new tortoise!” In both cases she says, “Ohhh... that's nice. Why did you do that?”

Also, both tattoos and tortoises, at least tortoises named after the Notorious B.I.G., allow for awkward conversations with your kids to occur. I have made both of these statements recently to one or more of my kids: “Well, I'm not saying it was the greatest idea I've ever had, I just got a tattoo. It happens...” and “You see kids, Biggie Smalls was a really talented rapper and he got killed and no, you can't listen to any of his music. You're five. And yes, I know that you're almost six.”

Here's what I'm the most worried about. Do you know how when you get a tattoo, you're all psyched because it means something to you that you never want to forget? Well, twenty years later you still have the tattoos and they still mean something to you, but it is hard to remember exactly what, or at least why it was so important that you wanted to tattoo it into your skin. I hope that Biggie Smalls isn't like that. I hope I don't find myself old with an enormous 200 lb tortoise ambling about my backyard and me asking myself, “How did I get here?” Talking Heads style.

The truth is, I don't think it will be like that at all. Biggie Smalls is the illest, and he is going to blend into the mix seamlessly. We made it through Steve trying to eat him and the kids fighting over who gets to inherit him in the unfortunate circumstance of mine and Steph's untimely death... So, that's been nice.

I think that my point can best be summarized by saying,

“Escargot, my car go, one sixty, swiftly.
Wreck it buy a new one,
Your crew run run run, your crew run run.”