2013 New Year's Resolutions

1. I will impregnate a Giant Panda with the seed of a Tiny Panda and create a hybrid Regular Panda.

2. I will reintroduce the shout, “Mad Flavor!” as a sort of encouragement at ceremonies, recitals, etc.
3. I will stop spending so much time trying to destroy the horcrux I found. (If only I had a basilisk's tooth...)
4. I will develop a television show for Comedy Central starring Michael Ian Black walking up to people on the street and saying “that's what she said” but only at times when one is really trying to convey the message as stated by “she.” He could also say “takes one to know one” but only if he is referring to Free Masonry. The show would be called Appropriate Sarcasms With Michael Ian Black and it will air for ten episodes before being canceled!

2. I will finish developing my soft drink, “Panini” it's like drinking a Panini from a can!
3. Eat right, exercise, spend more time with my family and stuff.

The End of the Mayan Calendar

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing to clarify a misconception that seems to have taken hold about the end of our calendar piece “The Mayan Circle.” People believe the end of the calendar portends the end of the world. I am happy to say that this is not the case. The end of the calendar actually signifies the end of a long and ancient mystery, whose answer has finally been revealed. The question has always been, “In the game called 'The Floor is Made of Lava', is the rug a raft?” The answer is, “It depends how many people are playing, three or more, yes, it's a raft but, if there are only two of you, you better get up on that coffee table because your raft is on fire!” So, anyway, sorry about the confusion. I hope the rule clarification is as helpful to you as it has been to us.

Sincerely,

The Mayans

(If anyone can think of a funny picture to go with this, it would make it a lot better, I think. Just let me know.)

Two Things

If I get reincarnated, I hope I come back as a 1980's rapper. My name would be Sultry D (pronounced “Soul Treaty”). I would incorporate roller skates and it would be fantastic. I would be on Friday Night Videos yo! Check me out! I would skate around and incorporate little ramps and quarter pipes into my videos so I could do tricks while I rap. People would yell, “Sooooouuul Treeeaty, you're the cat's pajamas!”


Another thing that I've been thinking about is how mad the guy that made two horse sleds was, when “Jingle Bells” came out. I bet he was like “One horse open sleigh?! That's bullshit! You want a two horse sled... It's a better sled!!!” Or the guy that was a major sled roof distributor for the whole northeast, I bet he was pissed when that song took hold.