Project Falcon: A Letter From My Handler

Dear JDBOC,

I am writing to clarify and document our agency's position regarding your “project.” As I said to you yesterday before you “went undercover,” this is not a sanctioned activity. Although, we cannot legally stop you from your endeavor, we must advise you that any injuries you suffer or damage that you cause the school, or the area surrounding the school will not be covered by our insurance.

This puts me in a difficult position. I would make you come back to work but we all kind of love the peace and quiet around here. Plus, I feel partly to blame for sending in those transcripts for you. Sorry, about the name thing, we thought that you wanted your first name to be Falcon and then, you know how it goes, ya' gotta run with a good idea.

In summary, stay and work on your project as long as you want. Please, do not involve us in any way. We're not even sure what you're hoping to accomplish besides being a 37-year-old man posing as a 13-year-old.  You are not covered by our insurance. Also, please stop calling me your handler. I am a Corporal and your supervisor but, nothing more. While we're on the topic, my name is Corporal Timrell, not carpal tunnel. Don't call me that. Also, we don't have a precinct, you don't even know what a precinct is. I have asked you about this before and you clearly have no idea what it is!

You have too much time on your hands.

Corporal Matt Timrell

P.S. STATREP is not a real word.

Project Falcon

STATREP: Day One

As those of you with security clearances of mandarin or higher already know, Project Falcon has begun. In this operation, I have gone undercover 21 Jump Street style to infiltrate the intermediate school where my son is a student. I am posing as an awkward 7^th Grade boy from Canada. So far, everything is going as planned. I brought my real mom out of retirement to check me into school and my handler back at the precinct prepared the appropriate documents.

I have to confess that a mix up in the paperwork almost ruined the whole operation before if could even get started. I had asked, and reminded, my handler to use the name Hans Geiger II as a tribute to my hero and the inventor of the Geiger Counter. I use my Geiger Counter everyday to tell which co-workers are radioactive and which ones are not. Mostly, they are not, however, you can never be too safe. Anyway, I had a whole cover about being one of the famous “German Canadians” of Quebec. They are called the Quebecois. My mom even pulled out some phoney German accent that she has been using all of my life to complete the ruse. That is commitment to the operation, right there.

So, my mom and I were standing there in the office when the lady opened up my file and read my name. She said, “Hello, Falco Geiger Counter 2.0.” I didn't know what she was talking about and just looked at her blankly. Fortunately for me, this only served to convince her that I was in fact a seventh grader. She started speaking more slowly to me and said warily, “Isn't your name Falco Geiger Counter 2.0? It says right here that is your name...” and she showed me the file. It did say the less desirable but still obviously Germanadian name across the the top of the file, alongside the name was a hand-written annotation that said “Student becomes uncontrollable when not addressed by full and complete name.” I had some quick thinking to do but I covered well and completed the registration process. I begin my first full day of classes tomorrow as Falco Geiger Counter 2.0. I don't know how often I will be able to issue reports from here on, but I will do so when I can.

Over and Out,

JDBOC

Columbus Day

Friends,

Tomorrow is Columbus Day! Please join the celebration... Tomorrow, October 10^th, 2011, any time you hear someone use the phrase, “the situation” in any context, you must butt in and say emphatically, “You want to know the situation? Here's the situation!!!” As you say this you must pull up your shirt and expose your bare stomach. This is mandatory. I cannot over-emphasize the importance of exposing your belly. If you love America then do what that guy from Jersey Shore would do. Seriously, it's Columbus Day. What else were you going to do tomorrow? Nothing, right? Try this for just this one Columbus Day, then let me know what you think... I bet you'll want to do it every year.

You're welcome.

JDBOC

PS. Mad Props to my Uruguayan Homeboys!  "Quieren saber la situacion? Aqui esta la situacion!"

Another Travel Tip

Airports stress me out. Every time I have to go through security, I feel like I am taking a basic intelligence test. This test has only one question; “Are you a doofus?” As often as not, the answer is yes, I am a doof. One time, this other cop and I both had to fly somewhere for some training. Before I left my house, I went through all my stuff using my mental anti-moron checklist: Did I pack this? Did I forget to pack that? No guns, no knives, no fingernail clippers, no big shampoo bottles... I was clean. On a last minute impulse, I grabbed my jacket and headed out the door.

As we went through security I thought I was going to pass the test. I really wanted to anyway, because I didn't want my buddy to find out about the whole doofus thing. I learned later that he had found it out already a long time before... Anyway, I was almost through the line when they halted everything and singled me out, called me out, to be more accurate. I had a bullet in the pocket of my jacket. Let me stress how unbelievably moronic this makes me.  A .45 caliber big stupid shiny bullet.  Right in the pocket of my jacket. I had worn the same jacket to the range the day before and I must've just missed it. The worse part was that my buddy and co-worker saw the whole thing.  (Although, I have never seen it on a cop show, I can't believe that I am the only person to which, this sort of thing happens.)

So, here is the travel tip. Don't worry about taking anything with you. All you need is a sheet of paper with everything you will need at your destination listed right on it. You just write it all down: tube of toothpaste, shaving cream, whatever... Then, right at the top of the paper write in big letters: “SCAVENGER HUNT.” People will give you anything if they think you are on a scavenger hunt.